FILM REVIEW: ASSASSIN'S CREED

2017

Directed by Justin Kurzel

Video Game Adaptation, Action, Sci-Fi.

There are some movies that are so bad they are good, so inept at getting the simplest things right that they can't even suspend the audience's disbelief that the characters and settings aren't just cheap cardboard cut outs. Films like the now legendary The Room and Troll 2 may serve as a guide on how NOT to make a film, but at least they are memorable, enjoyable and something that books and documentaries have been made about...

Assassin's Creed is the latest in a series of mediocre video game film adaptations. Funnily enough, this ISN'T a film that is completely inept and laughably constructed. The visuals, set pieces and script are all competent... Acceptable... Maybe even pleasant?! The cast is ace! Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson and Michael K Williams have all done some fine work in their careers. 

The biggest problem with Assassin's Creed is that is absolutely fucking vaporous!!! The whole film is like watching dust particles shimmer in the air. It's rare I have seen a film that lacks so much in ambition, creativity and any kind of hook or punchline. Everything about this film is the most painfully (below) average that they could have made it. The biggest problems are that none of the characters are properly fleshed out. I can't remember any of their names, or one meaningful word of dialogue any of them spoke. I had no care whether these characters lived or died, succeeded or failed, because they were all generic stock characters who mumbled their way through the 2 hour + running time. A total waste of a good cast. The action scenes are so forgettable, I couldn't even tell you who was fighting who, it all just flashed by in a blur. The action scenes here just lacked any passion, excitement or decent choreography. I've seen films 30 years older that had a better understanding of how to make good action scenes.

Anything else that happened in this film, I'm genuinely struggling to remember. The whole experience just flew over my shoulder. And it's not like I was trying to find flaws in the film. Even a brainless action/martial arts Matrix clone with a bit of humour and daft personality would have been preferable to what made it into this final cut. I genuinely would have had more fun being asleep, or in a coma! But the proof is in the pudding that it's way better to watch a hilarious inept film that it is to watch the most painfully average and boring film in existence. I'm amazed I managed to find this much to say about it. I hope one day I will live to see a GOOD video game adaptation film! 3/10.

#352: NERVE

2016

Directed by Ariel Schulman & Henry Joost

Sci-Fi, Thriller.

Oh boy, now here is a film that had a promising concept and trailer. Nerve is basically a smartphone game similar to Pokemon Go, where you have to go out and socialise and do dares in public, filmed from your phone's camera for money, whilst people watch you online. The dares get more crazy and difficult as your progress through the game to the point where they are illegal. So yeah the concept of the film seems inspired by Pokemon Go and Impractical Jokers, only not as cute or as funny. In fact with it being set in Staten Island, I was half expecting the jokers themselves to make a cameo!

Emma Roberts and Dave Franco lead the film and are the two main daredevils. Whilst Franco is well experienced in the game already, Emma Roberts' character Venus goes from being a shy bookworm type, to a pro daredevil in the space of like one day! The whole film is completely implausible because you have to suspend your disbelief that every character in the film has a super hi quality internet connection that allows for seamless HD camera phone footage with the directing prowess of Stanley Kubrick. Every character in the film seems to have a high quality internet connection and knows how to do hacking skills. The more you watch, the more it feels like someone is smashing your brain in with a hammer. 

The film also tries to be so incredibly hip that it becomes annoying. There is a really grating Pop/RnB soundtrack that will sound dated in a few years time, truly one of the worst film soundtracks I've ever heard. Also there is SO MUCH PRODUCT PLACEMENT. It gets ridiculous, it's like every single big corporation wanted to get their logo in this film, it's really distracting.

Nerve is also devoid of any decent character development, and even the most insane dares in the film never really seem that gripping or tense. I didn't care about any of the characters and this film just annoyed the shit out of me. The film was made by the same directors as Paranormal Activity 3 and 4, and the Catfish film and TV series. Now as a positive I will say this was a more ambitious film and it looks quite good visually. Nerve never really becomes boring, it has entertainment value, but the script and plot of the film is true "leave your brain at the door" material. 5/10.

#351: STAR TREK BEYOND

2016

Directed by Justin Lin

Sci-Fi, Action.

The biggest talking point about the 3rd entry into the rebooted Star Trek film franchise is that JJ Abrams, who directed the first two films, left the directors chair (though stayed on as producer) in order to make Star Wars: The Force Awakens. His critical success of steering Star Wars back on track simply wouldn't have happened without his wonderful contributions to the Star Trek series, and the man is pretty much now the master of two of the biggest Sci-Fi franchises ever!

So how does Star Trek Beyond fare in the hands of Fast & Furious director Justin Lin? Well pretty well actually, especially considering the F&F films are utter trash! The look and feel of Star Trek Beyond really isn't that far from the previous two films. The visuals in particular look amazing, and all the characters are just as great as ever. They even carry on the tradition of using the music of The Beastie Boys, and this time the song "Sabotage" actually ends up saving the crew from a sticky situation, how awesome is that?

Star Trek Beyond isn't without its problems though. Whilst there is nothing really that wrong with the visuals (I missed the lens flare) or the characters, it just feels like another mission. The plot is quite formulaic, the characters meet up, get attacked by bad guys, get separated, then they have to unite and overcome the villains. The new villain is quite good, but certainly cannot compare to Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch's astonishing performance as Khan in the previous film. Rarely does the plot of this film seem deep or challenging. Other than having to fight the main villain, the characters don't go through too much of a heavy experience and it doesn't really have any of the dramatic weight as that wonderful scene with Spock and Kirk in the radiation chamber from Into Darkness. 

If you enjoyed the first two films in the reboot series, you'll probably enjoy Star Trek Beyond too, but it just kind of feels like an extra mission for the characters to undertake, and never really feels as bold or as exciting as the previous two films. Still, with the awful first trailer and the loss of Mr. Abrams at the helm, I certainly expected worse... 7/10.