FILM REVIEW: ASSASSIN'S CREED

2017

Directed by Justin Kurzel

Video Game Adaptation, Action, Sci-Fi.

There are some movies that are so bad they are good, so inept at getting the simplest things right that they can't even suspend the audience's disbelief that the characters and settings aren't just cheap cardboard cut outs. Films like the now legendary The Room and Troll 2 may serve as a guide on how NOT to make a film, but at least they are memorable, enjoyable and something that books and documentaries have been made about...

Assassin's Creed is the latest in a series of mediocre video game film adaptations. Funnily enough, this ISN'T a film that is completely inept and laughably constructed. The visuals, set pieces and script are all competent... Acceptable... Maybe even pleasant?! The cast is ace! Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson and Michael K Williams have all done some fine work in their careers. 

The biggest problem with Assassin's Creed is that is absolutely fucking vaporous!!! The whole film is like watching dust particles shimmer in the air. It's rare I have seen a film that lacks so much in ambition, creativity and any kind of hook or punchline. Everything about this film is the most painfully (below) average that they could have made it. The biggest problems are that none of the characters are properly fleshed out. I can't remember any of their names, or one meaningful word of dialogue any of them spoke. I had no care whether these characters lived or died, succeeded or failed, because they were all generic stock characters who mumbled their way through the 2 hour + running time. A total waste of a good cast. The action scenes are so forgettable, I couldn't even tell you who was fighting who, it all just flashed by in a blur. The action scenes here just lacked any passion, excitement or decent choreography. I've seen films 30 years older that had a better understanding of how to make good action scenes.

Anything else that happened in this film, I'm genuinely struggling to remember. The whole experience just flew over my shoulder. And it's not like I was trying to find flaws in the film. Even a brainless action/martial arts Matrix clone with a bit of humour and daft personality would have been preferable to what made it into this final cut. I genuinely would have had more fun being asleep, or in a coma! But the proof is in the pudding that it's way better to watch a hilarious inept film that it is to watch the most painfully average and boring film in existence. I'm amazed I managed to find this much to say about it. I hope one day I will live to see a GOOD video game adaptation film! 3/10.