FILM REVIEW: ASSASSIN'S CREED

2017

Directed by Justin Kurzel

Video Game Adaptation, Action, Sci-Fi.

There are some movies that are so bad they are good, so inept at getting the simplest things right that they can't even suspend the audience's disbelief that the characters and settings aren't just cheap cardboard cut outs. Films like the now legendary The Room and Troll 2 may serve as a guide on how NOT to make a film, but at least they are memorable, enjoyable and something that books and documentaries have been made about...

Assassin's Creed is the latest in a series of mediocre video game film adaptations. Funnily enough, this ISN'T a film that is completely inept and laughably constructed. The visuals, set pieces and script are all competent... Acceptable... Maybe even pleasant?! The cast is ace! Michael Fassbender, Marion Cotillard, Jeremy Irons, Brendan Gleeson and Michael K Williams have all done some fine work in their careers. 

The biggest problem with Assassin's Creed is that is absolutely fucking vaporous!!! The whole film is like watching dust particles shimmer in the air. It's rare I have seen a film that lacks so much in ambition, creativity and any kind of hook or punchline. Everything about this film is the most painfully (below) average that they could have made it. The biggest problems are that none of the characters are properly fleshed out. I can't remember any of their names, or one meaningful word of dialogue any of them spoke. I had no care whether these characters lived or died, succeeded or failed, because they were all generic stock characters who mumbled their way through the 2 hour + running time. A total waste of a good cast. The action scenes are so forgettable, I couldn't even tell you who was fighting who, it all just flashed by in a blur. The action scenes here just lacked any passion, excitement or decent choreography. I've seen films 30 years older that had a better understanding of how to make good action scenes.

Anything else that happened in this film, I'm genuinely struggling to remember. The whole experience just flew over my shoulder. And it's not like I was trying to find flaws in the film. Even a brainless action/martial arts Matrix clone with a bit of humour and daft personality would have been preferable to what made it into this final cut. I genuinely would have had more fun being asleep, or in a coma! But the proof is in the pudding that it's way better to watch a hilarious inept film that it is to watch the most painfully average and boring film in existence. I'm amazed I managed to find this much to say about it. I hope one day I will live to see a GOOD video game adaptation film! 3/10.

#351: STAR TREK BEYOND

2016

Directed by Justin Lin

Sci-Fi, Action.

The biggest talking point about the 3rd entry into the rebooted Star Trek film franchise is that JJ Abrams, who directed the first two films, left the directors chair (though stayed on as producer) in order to make Star Wars: The Force Awakens. His critical success of steering Star Wars back on track simply wouldn't have happened without his wonderful contributions to the Star Trek series, and the man is pretty much now the master of two of the biggest Sci-Fi franchises ever!

So how does Star Trek Beyond fare in the hands of Fast & Furious director Justin Lin? Well pretty well actually, especially considering the F&F films are utter trash! The look and feel of Star Trek Beyond really isn't that far from the previous two films. The visuals in particular look amazing, and all the characters are just as great as ever. They even carry on the tradition of using the music of The Beastie Boys, and this time the song "Sabotage" actually ends up saving the crew from a sticky situation, how awesome is that?

Star Trek Beyond isn't without its problems though. Whilst there is nothing really that wrong with the visuals (I missed the lens flare) or the characters, it just feels like another mission. The plot is quite formulaic, the characters meet up, get attacked by bad guys, get separated, then they have to unite and overcome the villains. The new villain is quite good, but certainly cannot compare to Eggs Benedict Cumberbatch's astonishing performance as Khan in the previous film. Rarely does the plot of this film seem deep or challenging. Other than having to fight the main villain, the characters don't go through too much of a heavy experience and it doesn't really have any of the dramatic weight as that wonderful scene with Spock and Kirk in the radiation chamber from Into Darkness. 

If you enjoyed the first two films in the reboot series, you'll probably enjoy Star Trek Beyond too, but it just kind of feels like an extra mission for the characters to undertake, and never really feels as bold or as exciting as the previous two films. Still, with the awful first trailer and the loss of Mr. Abrams at the helm, I certainly expected worse... 7/10.

#340: THE NICE GUYS

2016
Directed by Shane Black
Mystery, Comedy, Action.

It feels like it's been a while since I had my last Ryan Gosling fix, but fortunately he has come back after a little break making The Big Short, and now this new film The Nice Guys. Here he is paired up with Russell Crowe, an actor I've always found to be very hit and miss. The Nice Guys is part Comedy, part Action and part Neo-Noir detective Drama. Set in 1978, it has a very vintage look and feel that was very well accomplished. Visually it reminded me of the films Anchorman and Boogie Nights, as the characters all wear their Disco influenced attires and go to seedy parties. 

Ryan Gosling plays a private investigator who is also a widow, left alone to look after his very mature 13 year old daughter. Russell Crowe's character isn't as fleshed out, with not a lot said about his personal life, but he essentially beats people up for money (I'm starting to see why they chose Russell Crowe for this role). At first he is sent to beat up Ryan Gosling for getting too deep into a missing persons case. Crowe comically breaks Gosling's arm in one of the funnier scenes in the film, and so they have fun with Gosling having to spend the entire film with his arm in a cast. Eventually the two "nice guys" end up working together when they realise they have the same pair of gangsters out to get them. They are also on a mission to try and find missing teenager Amelia.

The Nice Guys has two strong elements going for it. The first is that the acting is top notch. Gosling and Crowe have a very radiant chemistry on screen and make an unlikely good buddy duo. Certainly this is one of Crowe's best roles in a while now, and it seems naturally tailored to his personality. But the real star of the show is newcomer Angourie Rice, who plays Gosling's teenage daughter. Normally one of my pet peeves in cinema is children in leading roles, but she didn't annoy me one bit! The character is a little odd though, considering she is said to be 13, she looks closer to 16, but throughout the film she is seen driving cars, watching pornos and taking out bad guys. The running gag of the film is that she is better at solving the mystery than her PI dad is, and so she tags along for the entire film. I'm just not sure why they didn't make her character a bit older so that her personality traits were more fitting. The other strongest element of the film is that it has a pretty compelling mystery with some thrilling scenes. The best scene of the film takes place in a Playboy-esque mansion where a huge sex party is being held, and two have to interrogate people and search for clues. It definitely has nods to Film Noir and detective films. 

There were however some glaring issues with The Nice Guys. The biggest one being that, you could tell this film was attempting to be comedic all the way through, but I felt like so many of the "jokes" completely bombed. I laughed out loud only twice during the film, and I found the rest of the cinema were pretty quiet for most of the film too. The attempts at humour were so weak that I just couldn't understand why it needed to have Comedy parts at all. Especially when the writers have done a pretty good job coming up with a good Mystery/Thriller story. The drama elements work well too, with Gosling struggling to raise his daughter alone. The Nice Guys also feels the need to cram in big Action sequences. There are plenty of fist fights, gun shootouts and even a couple of car chases thrown in there. Again these Action scenes didn't really feel that necessary or add much to the film. In fact a rather large Action sequence near the end was so over the top and ridiculous that it ended up padding out the plot unnecessarily and I was just left wanting the film to reach it's conclusion. When the film does end, it throws in a sequelbaiting part which may be a little ambitious. 

Ultimately I have to say that I enjoyed The Nice Guys enough to recommend it. The Mystery plot is what compelled me the most, and the performances are very remarkable. Maybe others will enjoy the jokes and the big Action scenes more than I did, but for me they fell very flat. I think this film could have been improved with a re-edit, taking out some of the goofier parts and focusing more on the Mystery plot, and it would have been a tighter film. The movie definitely shares its blueprints with director Shane Black's earlier film Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. The Nice Guys is a good one watch film, but not great enough to be worth revisiting. 6/10.